Losing control and finding comfort in having a gun aroud, wait WHAT?!?

I don't know what's happening, don't know how long this is going to last, can’t go out, can’t travel, can’t do groceries, can’t eat out, can’t go for a run, can’t see my friends and family... How do I feel about losing control? Or why having a gun at the property gives me comfort while I would be super anxious if there was one in Europe?

This was my 6th cancelled flight in one month, so should be used to these by now. But this one hit me extremely hard. Until this point I had my own flight, but now I'm officially stranded and fully rely on the evacuation flights with no idea when and if they will take place. So this simple notification meant that I had no more control over schedules, transportation or other planning.

l guess most of us are experiencing the feeling of losing control over many things that we never even thought about or knew to appreciate in our daily life. Inspired with these people around me, I have done a lot of self-reflection during these now 26 days in complete lockdown. I also realized how weirdly my mind works when I'm in strange environment with most of the control taken away from me. 

I have no or very little control over:

• Not able to plan anything (it’s kind of cool though)
• Not allowed to leave the hostel properties (don’t really want to go to Colombian prison for breaking the curfew)
• Where to stay (there’s no way I could leave during the lockdown, and most places are closed)
• When and what I eat (couple of options and timeframes for each meal)
• Cannot cook myself
• Who I spend time with 
• Not allowed to do groceries or buy what I want/need (e.g. sunscreen)
• No place to go for a run (normally my way to cope with difficult situations, clear my head and keep it together)
• How long does the lockdown last
• When and how I can go back home (no panic, I'm very comfortable here)

Breakfast (10am) - Lunch (2pm) - Dinner (7pm) create core for the daily structure, and like we learned in Finland: good food, better mood.

I even got upset cause I ran out of oats for my porridge and had to give up on making my own breakfast every now and then (now I have some more, so panic is over). Sounds ridiculous, but that was one of the last “my own things” that I had control over, so in a way that totally makes sense.

It took some time for me to notice how these small and simple things give me a lot of comfort, just because I (unconsciously) have control over the following:

• Daily routines
• Yoga, workouts, other activities
• Working / Studying
• Reading
• Also the mealtimes create important structure (breakfast, lunch, dinner)
• Mindset: trying to think positively and see the bright sides of everything, but also allowing the sad feelings come and go
• Having a clear action plan for basically every possible scenario

Daily yoga and meditation keep me sane by being super important part of my daily structure as well as keeping me physically active. (But the mosquito bites all over legs make me go crazy)

A week ago, we had a meeting to discuss action plans for every possible scenario from someone getting corona symptoms to the situation getting unstable in the area. We got to know that there is for example a gun behind locked doors and people around who are trained to use it. Desperate people with no food and money might do extremely desperate things and since we are in Colombia, where for example the police is not like in Europe, you really need to be aware of safety matters. I’m in the middle of the jungle far from big cities, so the likelihood for something happening is small, but the possibility still exists.

This is where I realized how my mind does very weird things to keep me sane and survive . Back home I’m quite strongly against guns (hunting is an exception) and being around guns makes me very anxious. But this situation is so absurd that after the first shock I actually felt very safe to know that basically no scenario can come as a surprise since there’s an action plan for everything. I feel I have control over one thing. What else could I do? Freak out, pack my backpack and leave during a lockdown? It’s crazy how human mind can really make great things to survive, at least for me, just by accepting the situation and trying to see things in positive light. I guess this is also how all the brainwashing during difficult times work, since people want to believe good things. 

My hide-out and happy place, takes about 20 min walk in and by the river to get there

But all good here, I actually really enjoy the time I have for all the self-reflection, doing meditation, or just lying in a hammock or sitting by the waterfall to watch butterflies (there are A LOT) and how water flows and carries all the leaves and branches. And don’t worry, I’m not swimming in those deep waters with my deepest thoughts all the time. There’s a lot of cocktails, fun and laughter to balance it out. Like our yoga and dance teacher Adrian said: I feel I’ve got a new family and home far away from my home country.

Love,
Else

Sky on fire - The most amazing sunset so far